Article--Bullying

=Help a Child UN-Earn the Label “Bully”= October 25 th, 2011

When anyone mentions labels in an educational setting, parental reactions are often negative or defensive. No parent wants her child to have a label that could cause stigmatization. Here’s the thing, though. Kids will give labels to other kids or even themselves, and they do this to help themselves make sense of things.
 * BULLY: Does Your Child Wear THIS Designer Label?**

In my growing up days, the wiggly, inattentive kids were labeled as “bad” students. Bad students didn’t pay attention, and the rule was to pay attention. Kids who paid attention were “good” students. We, the students, gave those labels, because we could infer from the teacher’s and our parents’ reactions, what was good and what was bad. Most likely the wiggly kids had ADHD, or at their developmental age, they simply couldn’t sit still. Labeling didn’t seem a concern regarding the good students, because their label was positive. It’s still this way today. So this is the curious part to me. Labels that are acceptable put a person in a positive light, and the labels that reflect negatively are unacceptable. It’s not the label that matters so much; it’s the connotation associated with the label.

Labels are only identifiers and reflective of characteristics or actions a person displays. We label our own kids when we say, “This is the outgoing one, this one’s shy, and this one’s a charmer.” Some labels are more attractive than others. Kids label each other, too. Mean, nice, popular, unpopular, stupid, and smart are commonly used. So are other labels that are too offensive to write here. One label kids use frequently is bully, and this is why they use it. It identifies someone by her actions. Kids who use relationally aggressive means such as rumors, lying, exclusion, silent treatment, name calling, etc. to control, defame, humiliate or emotionally overpower someone, earn the designer label of bully. So do the kids who bully physically. I use the word designer, because when kids do this as a pattern, they’ve designed their own label.

Here are eight steps parents can take to help their child prevent the label of bully.
 * 8 Steps Parents Can Take to Help Kids Avoid the Label, Bully**
 * 1) **Teach what bullying is**. Believe it or not, many young children are still identifying a bully as a person who steals someone’s lunch money.
 * 2) **Explain both physical and emotional bullying**. Even some teens still identify bullying as physical rather than emotional.
 * 3) **Let kids know the damage emotional bullying can do.**Research shows that emotional bullying is more damaging than physical bullying.
 * 4) **Explain the social consequences of bullying.**Your child may be quite popular AND a bully. This free social bonus doesn’t last much past high school. If you’ve ever attended a high school reunion, you know this is true! From the start, teach kids that bullying leads to friendship problems.
 * 5) **Enter into a partnership with your child’s school.**If you hear news from the school that your child is displaying bullying behaviors, listen with an open mind and gather information. At some time, all children bully. You really don’t want the behavior to become a pattern.
 * 6) **Listen and stay calm with your child.**You will learn more about what actually happened.
 * 7) **Love unconditionally.**Your child will be less likely to lie to you about bullying or anything else if you love her or him unconditionally. Punitive measures often create opportunities to lie as a coping strategy. Talking and helping your child understand empathy – the way the other person felt – is an effective alternative to consequences.
 * 8) **Figure out what your child wanted by bullying.** When you figure out the motive, you can teach positive substitution behaviors.

Friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish GAPRA’s bi-weekly articles. If you’re ready to guide children in grades K – 12 through painful friendships, get your free mini-audio workshop and ongoing tips at: For School and Youth Organizations: www.GAPRAconnect.com For Parents: www.AWayThrough.com