Article--+No+Offense,+But...

Friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s bi-weekly articles. If you’re ready to guide children in grades K – 8 through painful friendships! For Parents: [|www.AWayThrough.com] =No Offense, But…= August 29 th, 2011 For a while now, I’ve noticed children delivering a message with, “No offense, but…” I cringe when I hear it. This is one of the most alarming ways to start a conversation. When he hears these three words, the recipient will likely become defensive, wary and nervous about the blow he is about to receive. If we don’t help children to understand how their word choice affects others, they create verbal patterns that interfere with developing satisfying relationships. Let’s look at some examples of how kids use this phrase. There are two motivations for starting a sentence this way: Interestingly, the speaker is often not intending to be hurtful. Many times, what follows “No offense, but…” is not offensive. However, the receiver will likely have a negative reaction. To avoid this reaction, the speaker could simply eliminate that phrase and state what she thinks more clearly: As you can see, “No offense, but…” is unnecessary. People sometimes use this phrase because they are afraid that they are going to be too direct or too aggressive. They are trying to soften their comment, but it has the opposite effect — it puts the other person on red alert! If a child is uncomfortable being this direct about putting his idea on the table, he might say: When we help kids eliminate “No offense, but…” from their vocabulary, they show greater respect for others and increase their emotional intelligence quotient.
 * An Alarming Way to Deliver a Message**
 * Some Examples**
 * “No offense, but you should not wear pink [or other hair/clothing].”
 * “No offense, but I don’t want to go to that movie.”
 * “No offense, but Hannah really isn’t interested in you.”
 * Two Motivations**
 * 1) To slam the other person
 * 2) To carefully say something sensitive
 * “I think you should wear blue more often. It looks good on you.”
 * “I don’t want to go to that movie. Could we go to this movie instead?”
 * “I think Hannah just wants to be friends.”
 * An alternative**
 * “Here’s one idea…”
 * “I have a thought…”
 * “I have an idea…”
 * “I would rather…”
 * “What do you think about…?”